I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

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He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

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My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

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I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Writing So Not Posting Plus Mood Still Flat-Adderall Damages Brain

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I’ve been busy writing for a few contests I plan to enter in the fall.  So, I’ve not had time to post.

I’ve also been searching for sites that would be helpful to people with various mental illnesses. I’ll be adding them to my link list.

My mood is  better since the doctor reduced the Topomax. I discussed with her about the Adderall I had and am still on and it’s effects they have found on the brain long term. She agreed with me and said that’s why I must one day get off the 15mg that I’m still taking, but she said the time to deal with it isn’t now. It would be cruel to put me through it.

So, the 7 years I was on 30 or so mg-I may have been on more-it was damaging my brain worse than a cocaine addict’s. Lovely. No wonder I look at that bottle of Adderall and wish I could take more. But, I have not the addictive personality or I would have no restraint.

They’ve done studies and Adderall changes brain structure faster than cocaine. Cocaine addicts relapse 93%-99% of the time. They have problems with feeling joy because of cocaines destructiveness. Then Adderall is found to do the same thing only faster. Go docs! I know that’s why I feel flat. I don’t necessarily feel depressed. I just don’t feel joy. It’s hard for me to feel it . I just pray to God that my brain over time can heal itself in that area.

Emailed Therapist/Mood is Okay

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I emailed my therapist about the ,” I have no identity thing.” I told him I thought he was wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of what I’ve done in my life if I had low self esteem/no identity. He said sometimes he throws things out at me to see if I will prove him wrong and stand up to him. To get that “strong” person inside me to come out that’s hiding behind the depression. Tricky eh? Well, it worked. It pissed me off.

I’m sitting in bed/actually pondering going out back to sit. It’s not a gorgeous day but not horrible either.

My Mood is Better Today. But, I Have a Headache Thanks to-

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therapist.  I thought more about it. He’s wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of the things I’ve done in my life if I had no identity. Identity is tied to self esteem. I haven’t had the highest of self esteem all my life . But, by the time I was in my late 20’s I was doing pretty good with what had developed. Damn I was in law school. Not every one has the guts to do that or the ability. Already had a college degree. Maybe he was trying to get me pissed cause he knows when I get mad I tend to “snap” out of my depression. Go figure…I don’t know. But, I’m emailing him and thanking him for the headache.We have that kind of relationship.