My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Don’t Pity Me

Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010

No Alien Baby Birth!

No alien baby birth or rather I felt no alien baby birth might happen last night! I’m just sore from the other nights. So, 225 mg is all my body can handle of Effexor/all it should handle really. But, it’s weird about the severe cramping on my side.