Damn…I’m Still Depressed! But, Lithium Is Good.

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I had to take a break from writing. Feeling suicidal didn’t seem to help my writing. Well, thanks to 300 mg of Lithium, I don’t feel suicidal anymore. That’s good news. But, getting my ass out of bed hasn’t really improved.

I have changed pdocs and therapists. These are specialists in the field of mood disorders. So, far so good. I see therapist twice a week. I can get out of bed to go see him. I know I need to work on some spiritual healing too.

Oh, I want the strength to ignore this black cloud in my brain and move on with my life. Why have I become so weak?

 

Is It No Surprise I Have Bipolar II?????

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My dad painted this on his barn ceiling when he was well. It’s beautiful. But, he’s atheist. In our home,when I was growing up,  the words church and God were treated, by my father as “bad” words. I could get away with cursing. But, speak of God? I’d be an “idiot”.

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My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

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I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Topamax 50mg Doing Well

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I can’t say I’m jumpin for joy. But, I’m up out of bed. My husband and I  have plans to do something today. I feel like I will  follow through and do them. In the past, I’ve lost it and bailed in the end.

I think the docs put too much emphasis on my hypo-mania. I was hardly that grouchy. I was just happy/woke up with a smile on my face in the mornings. Makes me tempted to see how it goes with the topamax. And then if I’m fine at 50 cut it to 25. I was hypo-manic for 10 years before any depression. Who am I fooling ? I’m too chicken shit. Or am I?

No Alien Baby Burst Through Ribcage-

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but my back is still very sore. I must have been having muscle spasms. Those were only happening at night. Now this soreness is constant but not nearly as intense. If it were I’d be in the ER.

Thinking about the first book I’m going to write . And the title. Basic plot. While reading books. Plus reading about writing books. Oh? could I be hypomanic? No. My bathing still sucks. Who knows. But, my dogs like me a lot.

Why The Poem? The Begining of My Stress Overload

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When I think back to my hypo mania it just didn’t stop suddenly. There were little cracks in time that started to happen. My smile and perky personality wasn’t as consistent. My break up with this man was devastating. It certainly put cracks up in that wall holding back the depression. I would feel it, but at the time I’m not sure if I was aware of what I was feeling. Busy with my kids. I was always tired. But, I never got over the breakup with this man. I don’t understand why. I’ve had many other break ups since. All forgotten. Some I can’t even remember their names. Sometimes I think that’s awful.This man is different. I guess because I loved him. And, he was a free spirit and we packed a lot of memories into a short period of time. And who can resist a man who’s part italian? He was so affectionate. I’m stopping myself.

The point is that this was the beginning of the end of my happy hypo-mania and slow decent into depression. This was one of the most stressful things I had to go through. It was more stressful than my divorce.

I  thought the quickest way to mend a broken heart was to find a new love interest. Boy, this wasn’t the best plan. Too much for a blog. That ‘ll go into on of my books.