I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

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He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

I Started My Day In My Backyard In My Underwear…

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Okay, I don’t want to gross anyone out. But, it’s for the sake of conservation. Lil baby toads fall into our pool/if I don’t get out there asap in the am, they end up all puffy and stiff. Not the way I want to start my day.

The good in all this isn’t just my efforts to “save the toads”. I’m out of bed! Not only out of bed, but doing normal mom things. Laundry, taking oldest daughter to get root canal and talking to oldest daughter that if she gets a facial piercing she’ll be grounded for life. I’ve loosened up on her ears.

It’s no med. that has helped with the depression. I’m on the same stuff. All I have added is OM3 fish oil. Has anyone heard of this brand? I, also, have been eating healthier. Not much sugar/trying to go organic. And, finally, sticking to a boring bed time-in bed by 9pm-10pm the latest. Yes, even on the weekends. My therapist had been urging me to do this/I have read that sleep is very important for BP’s. Now, on some nights I don’t sleep as well as others. I wake up too early or I wake in the middle of the night. I just pray that I go back to sleep/try not to get worked up about it. If I get bent out of shape, I really will be awake.

But this hurricane crap is putting a dent in my catching some sun. It’s been about 5 days of cloudy rainy days. It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’m so afraid that depression is going to come back-I’m one of those people that hates winter/I live outside of Houston, Texas. We have no winter compared to most states! I need my sun. Not that I want a tan. NO-too vain-causes wrinkles. But, I need to swim and soak up some vitamin D.

UGH! It’s raining right now! I need an indoor sun room. dayroom. Like on True Blood-looks all sunny, but fake.

Therapy Today-He’s a He/Buff!

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I see my therapist today. No anxiety about it-now. But, he has 2 offices. I have to drive to the farther office. So, usually that makes me anxious. A lot of traffic and road rage(others). I’ll have to take extra clonazepam. In the past, I’ve done it-my tolerance to the drug is so high-been on it for years. And my tolerance is low for extra anxiety.

But, as far as the session goes, I like therapy/I like my therapist. He’s great. Well, not all the time. Or it wouldn’t be therapy. He’s pissed me of in the past. But, I just told him about it/we worked it out. Very cool. He’s older than I am-but no fossil-he’s a good looking man. In the beginning , his looks/he’s buff, concerned me. I thought, ” shit, am I going to be attracted to this man?” Major obstacle! I mean less than 1/3 of people get anything out of therapy/if I want to have sex with my therapist-Forget It. I’d have to find another doc..

Ended up, my feelings for him are like the wise cousin I never had-not old enough to be my father. We have therapeutic chemistry. He and I have talked about that-our chemistry. But, thank God no sexual chemistry.

I’m looking forward to the session/I need to be on time! “I will be on time” , ” I will be on time.”

Damn it! “I will be on time!” I have trouble with time management. Can you tell?

But, I won’t get started about how anal I was before meds.. I was ALWAYS EARLY. Why is “normal” so hard to find? Or be?

My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

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I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Topamax 50mg Doing Well

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I can’t say I’m jumpin for joy. But, I’m up out of bed. My husband and I  have plans to do something today. I feel like I will  follow through and do them. In the past, I’ve lost it and bailed in the end.

I think the docs put too much emphasis on my hypo-mania. I was hardly that grouchy. I was just happy/woke up with a smile on my face in the mornings. Makes me tempted to see how it goes with the topamax. And then if I’m fine at 50 cut it to 25. I was hypo-manic for 10 years before any depression. Who am I fooling ? I’m too chicken shit. Or am I?

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

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I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

My Mood is Better Today. But, I Have a Headache Thanks to-

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therapist.  I thought more about it. He’s wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of the things I’ve done in my life if I had no identity. Identity is tied to self esteem. I haven’t had the highest of self esteem all my life . But, by the time I was in my late 20’s I was doing pretty good with what had developed. Damn I was in law school. Not every one has the guts to do that or the ability. Already had a college degree. Maybe he was trying to get me pissed cause he knows when I get mad I tend to “snap” out of my depression. Go figure…I don’t know. But, I’m emailing him and thanking him for the headache.We have that kind of relationship.

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