I Started My Day In My Backyard In My Underwear…

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Okay, I don’t want to gross anyone out. But, it’s for the sake of conservation. Lil baby toads fall into our pool/if I don’t get out there asap in the am, they end up all puffy and stiff. Not the way I want to start my day.

The good in all this isn’t just my efforts to “save the toads”. I’m out of bed! Not only out of bed, but doing normal mom things. Laundry, taking oldest daughter to get root canal and talking to oldest daughter that if she gets a facial piercing she’ll be grounded for life. I’ve loosened up on her ears.

It’s no med. that has helped with the depression. I’m on the same stuff. All I have added is OM3 fish oil. Has anyone heard of this brand? I, also, have been eating healthier. Not much sugar/trying to go organic. And, finally, sticking to a boring bed time-in bed by 9pm-10pm the latest. Yes, even on the weekends. My therapist had been urging me to do this/I have read that sleep is very important for BP’s. Now, on some nights I don’t sleep as well as others. I wake up too early or I wake in the middle of the night. I just pray that I go back to sleep/try not to get worked up about it. If I get bent out of shape, I really will be awake.

But this hurricane crap is putting a dent in my catching some sun. It’s been about 5 days of cloudy rainy days. It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’m so afraid that depression is going to come back-I’m one of those people that hates winter/I live outside of Houston, Texas. We have no winter compared to most states! I need my sun. Not that I want a tan. NO-too vain-causes wrinkles. But, I need to swim and soak up some vitamin D.

UGH! It’s raining right now! I need an indoor sun room. dayroom. Like on True Blood-looks all sunny, but fake.

My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

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I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

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I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

Don’t Pity Me

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Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010

My Psychiatrist Thought I was GAD/I was Bipolar III

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I read madmatters, the post dealing with gps, it made me think about my own experience with medical insanity. And, I mean insanity. I went to a Psychiatrist  for a number of years – Dr. Alain Katic. To make a very long story short. I told him about the depression that ran in my family. He witnessed my behavior through a divorce. I was like a cheerleader. But, our sessions never ran over 20 25 minutes. Then one day I was late to an appt.. and I can’t deny I hadn’t missed appointments in the past. But, that started only after they move their office 45 minutes away from my home. I was a divorced mom of a 12  and 2-year-old.

Back to me running late. I called hes office and told them I was running late. There was a wreck and extra traffic. I got to the office and the moment I entered I heard Dr. Katic had just left. They refuse to get him on the phone for me. It was only 4:20. On my way out I grabbed all the business cards I could find in the lobby. One had a phone number…poor guy. He was going to have to hear from me many times until Katic called me. So, I called the poor guy with the phone number and he gave me B.S.-” Sure I’ll have Dr. Katic call you …” I called the guy numerous times. I filled up his voice mail. I told him I would not stop until he got my Dr. to call me. After 20 minutes, Katic called. Boy, did he call. He didn’t even know who he was talking too. He kept calling me mam. And yelling the whole time. Who was the patient in this scenario? He ended up hanging up on me.

I reported him to the Medical Board. He hasn’t found out that he and my former therapist misdiagnosed me. But, that’s on my to do list. I didn’t pay these people to make my life worse. I don’t even want to think of the thousands I paid Katic. Then worst thing is I trusted him. Then he goes ballistic and doesn’t even know my name.

I Moved Cyclothymia-Bipolar III Blog from Blogger-

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I’ve moved my blog from Blogger to WordPress. I’m having a difficult time choosing a theme! So many-I keep trying them on like dresses. Not to mention I’ve changed my blog’s name at least twice this month. But, I  guess it’s better to get this stuff over in the beginning than in the middle etc.

My Mood-Cyclothymia Gets Better. Then I Get Sick.

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That’s my luck. I felt crappy since Sunday with a stomach virus. I’m hoping today I will feel better…damn wasting a good mood on feeling sick.
Husband still has had no job interviews. Even though he has several head hunters helping him etc..

Maybe I’ll be up to posting more later…still sicky.

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