I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

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He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.


Is It No Surprise I Have Bipolar II?????

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My dad painted this on his barn ceiling when he was well. It’s beautiful. But, he’s atheist. In our home,when I was growing up,  the words church and God were treated, by my father as “bad” words. I could get away with cursing. But, speak of God? I’d be an “idiot”.

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Therapy Today-He’s a He/Buff!


I see my therapist today. No anxiety about it-now. But, he has 2 offices. I have to drive to the farther office. So, usually that makes me anxious. A lot of traffic and road rage(others). I’ll have to take extra clonazepam. In the past, I’ve done it-my tolerance to the drug is so high-been on it for years. And my tolerance is low for extra anxiety.

But, as far as the session goes, I like therapy/I like my therapist. He’s great. Well, not all the time. Or it wouldn’t be therapy. He’s pissed me of in the past. But, I just told him about it/we worked it out. Very cool. He’s older than I am-but no fossil-he’s a good looking man. In the beginning , his looks/he’s buff, concerned me. I thought, ” shit, am I going to be attracted to this man?” Major obstacle! I mean less than 1/3 of people get anything out of therapy/if I want to have sex with my therapist-Forget It. I’d have to find another doc..

Ended up, my feelings for him are like the wise cousin I never had-not old enough to be my father. We have therapeutic chemistry. He and I have talked about that-our chemistry. But, thank God no sexual chemistry.

I’m looking forward to the session/I need to be on time! “I will be on time” , ” I will be on time.”

Damn it! “I will be on time!” I have trouble with time management. Can you tell?

But, I won’t get started about how anal I was before meds.. I was ALWAYS EARLY. Why is “normal” so hard to find? Or be?

My Mood is Better Today. But, I Have a Headache Thanks to-

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therapist.  I thought more about it. He’s wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of the things I’ve done in my life if I had no identity. Identity is tied to self esteem. I haven’t had the highest of self esteem all my life . But, by the time I was in my late 20’s I was doing pretty good with what had developed. Damn I was in law school. Not every one has the guts to do that or the ability. Already had a college degree. Maybe he was trying to get me pissed cause he knows when I get mad I tend to “snap” out of my depression. Go figure…I don’t know. But, I’m emailing him and thanking him for the headache.We have that kind of relationship.

Beautiful Day-I’m Outside-But Husband Irritating

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I’ll focus on the weather/my writing/ignore my husband. He did just get laid off again. So, he has a right to be annoying.

It’s odd, I can’t watch movies about people who are depressed. But I can read books about them. I have no idea why there’s the difference. It turns out good. I need to and do read books written by people who were depressed etc..

I plan to write several books. As many as it takes to get published and have a successful one.Not all about mental illness. One reason I write for Helium.com- for practice.