I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

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He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

I Started My Day In My Backyard In My Underwear…

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Okay, I don’t want to gross anyone out. But, it’s for the sake of conservation. Lil baby toads fall into our pool/if I don’t get out there asap in the am, they end up all puffy and stiff. Not the way I want to start my day.

The good in all this isn’t just my efforts to “save the toads”. I’m out of bed! Not only out of bed, but doing normal mom things. Laundry, taking oldest daughter to get root canal and talking to oldest daughter that if she gets a facial piercing she’ll be grounded for life. I’ve loosened up on her ears.

It’s no med. that has helped with the depression. I’m on the same stuff. All I have added is OM3 fish oil. Has anyone heard of this brand? I, also, have been eating healthier. Not much sugar/trying to go organic. And, finally, sticking to a boring bed time-in bed by 9pm-10pm the latest. Yes, even on the weekends. My therapist had been urging me to do this/I have read that sleep is very important for BP’s. Now, on some nights I don’t sleep as well as others. I wake up too early or I wake in the middle of the night. I just pray that I go back to sleep/try not to get worked up about it. If I get bent out of shape, I really will be awake.

But this hurricane crap is putting a dent in my catching some sun. It’s been about 5 days of cloudy rainy days. It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’m so afraid that depression is going to come back-I’m one of those people that hates winter/I live outside of Houston, Texas. We have no winter compared to most states! I need my sun. Not that I want a tan. NO-too vain-causes wrinkles. But, I need to swim and soak up some vitamin D.

UGH! It’s raining right now! I need an indoor sun room. dayroom. Like on True Blood-looks all sunny, but fake.

Emailed Therapist/Mood is Okay

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I emailed my therapist about the ,” I have no identity thing.” I told him I thought he was wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of what I’ve done in my life if I had low self esteem/no identity. He said sometimes he throws things out at me to see if I will prove him wrong and stand up to him. To get that “strong” person inside me to come out that’s hiding behind the depression. Tricky eh? Well, it worked. It pissed me off.

I’m sitting in bed/actually pondering going out back to sit. It’s not a gorgeous day but not horrible either.

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

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I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

People with Bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression are not openly accepted in society.

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This was an article I wrote for Helium.com.                                                                                                                                                                                How many of you are taking any SSRI’s – antidepressants? Raise your hands. How many of you are taking Clonazepam?  or any anti-anxiety medication?  Raise your hands. How many of you are taking anti-convulsant  medication or anti-psychotic medication? I doubt very many hands if any would rise. However, in a therapy setting quite a few hands would rise because no one would have consequences to fear.

In our society, people are not educated on bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. There is a stigma. So, individuals who have these conditions are afraid of being “found out” by “normal” people. They are scared of people might look at them differently. Or once “found out” others may fear and avoid them. I have experienced this first hand. I am open about my problems with anxiety and depression. I don’t tell every one that I meet about my problems. However, I write about it. I fear that the neighbor’s daughter will not be allowed to come over to play with my daughter if they read about my issues. I don’t have a job outside the house, I can imagine office gossip. And fear of bosses finding out about conditions etc..

Additionally, this fear of not being accepted by society is a self fulfilling prophecy. The less people admit to having mental disease, the more ignorant society will remain about mental disease. A person with heart disease is not alienated by their peers.They are given sympathy even if they have smoked all their life and contributed to their own suffering. Peoples  sympathies go out to people suffering with heart disease and having to have surgeries etc..But, mental diseases are viewed in a different light. Some think mental diseases like anxiety or depression is an issue that a person should be able to get over without help. Or the people with these disease are to be feared.http://www.helium.com/users/495477 Go to this link to finish th rest of article.

I’m a 16 Year Old in a 45 Year Old’s Body!

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Yep!  That’s what my therapist left me with yesterday. I was told my identity was that of a 16-year-old girls. I have no true understanding of my strengths and weaknesses.  He could see my strengths/my talents…but he didn’t believe I ever had  the time to discover them.

This saddened me at first. Then it made me mad. I thought he was wrong. Then I realized that if it was pissing me off so much there must be some truth to it or it would bother me that much.

So, how in the hell am I suppose to find my identity at 45? How does that effect my depression?-further isolation? I had no identity for years and it  never bothered me before-my brain is confused enough-does it need more? I know I’m a horrible speller. There’s one weakness. How many do I need to come up with to have an identity? How many talents? 🙂

PS-smiley face is fake. I’m not feeling all chipper today. I didn’t need to hear that yesterday from my therapist. That’s why I like to see Psychiatrist first then therapist-at least i see her tomorrow.

Don’t Pity Me

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Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010

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