I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

Leave a comment

He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

2 Comments

I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Topamax 50mg Doing Well

Leave a comment

I can’t say I’m jumpin for joy. But, I’m up out of bed. My husband and I  have plans to do something today. I feel like I will  follow through and do them. In the past, I’ve lost it and bailed in the end.

I think the docs put too much emphasis on my hypo-mania. I was hardly that grouchy. I was just happy/woke up with a smile on my face in the mornings. Makes me tempted to see how it goes with the topamax. And then if I’m fine at 50 cut it to 25. I was hypo-manic for 10 years before any depression. Who am I fooling ? I’m too chicken shit. Or am I?

Emailed Therapist/Mood is Okay

Leave a comment

I emailed my therapist about the ,” I have no identity thing.” I told him I thought he was wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of what I’ve done in my life if I had low self esteem/no identity. He said sometimes he throws things out at me to see if I will prove him wrong and stand up to him. To get that “strong” person inside me to come out that’s hiding behind the depression. Tricky eh? Well, it worked. It pissed me off.

I’m sitting in bed/actually pondering going out back to sit. It’s not a gorgeous day but not horrible either.

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

Leave a comment

I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

My Mood is Better Today. But, I Have a Headache Thanks to-

Leave a comment

therapist.  I thought more about it. He’s wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of the things I’ve done in my life if I had no identity. Identity is tied to self esteem. I haven’t had the highest of self esteem all my life . But, by the time I was in my late 20’s I was doing pretty good with what had developed. Damn I was in law school. Not every one has the guts to do that or the ability. Already had a college degree. Maybe he was trying to get me pissed cause he knows when I get mad I tend to “snap” out of my depression. Go figure…I don’t know. But, I’m emailing him and thanking him for the headache.We have that kind of relationship.

Don’t Pity Me

2 Comments

Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010

Older Entries