I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

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He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.


Is It No Surprise I Have Bipolar II?????

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My dad painted this on his barn ceiling when he was well. It’s beautiful. But, he’s atheist. In our home,when I was growing up,  the words church and God were treated, by my father as “bad” words. I could get away with cursing. But, speak of God? I’d be an “idiot”.

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Writing So Not Posting Plus Mood Still Flat-Adderall Damages Brain


I’ve been busy writing for a few contests I plan to enter in the fall.  So, I’ve not had time to post.

I’ve also been searching for sites that would be helpful to people with various mental illnesses. I’ll be adding them to my link list.

My mood is  better since the doctor reduced the Topomax. I discussed with her about the Adderall I had and am still on and it’s effects they have found on the brain long term. She agreed with me and said that’s why I must one day get off the 15mg that I’m still taking, but she said the time to deal with it isn’t now. It would be cruel to put me through it.

So, the 7 years I was on 30 or so mg-I may have been on more-it was damaging my brain worse than a cocaine addict’s. Lovely. No wonder I look at that bottle of Adderall and wish I could take more. But, I have not the addictive personality or I would have no restraint.

They’ve done studies and Adderall changes brain structure faster than cocaine. Cocaine addicts relapse 93%-99% of the time. They have problems with feeling joy because of cocaines destructiveness. Then Adderall is found to do the same thing only faster. Go docs! I know that’s why I feel flat. I don’t necessarily feel depressed. I just don’t feel joy. It’s hard for me to feel it . I just pray to God that my brain over time can heal itself in that area.

Topamax 50mg Doing Well

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I can’t say I’m jumpin for joy. But, I’m up out of bed. My husband and I  have plans to do something today. I feel like I will  follow through and do them. In the past, I’ve lost it and bailed in the end.

I think the docs put too much emphasis on my hypo-mania. I was hardly that grouchy. I was just happy/woke up with a smile on my face in the mornings. Makes me tempted to see how it goes with the topamax. And then if I’m fine at 50 cut it to 25. I was hypo-manic for 10 years before any depression. Who am I fooling ? I’m too chicken shit. Or am I?

Emailed Therapist/Mood is Okay

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I emailed my therapist about the ,” I have no identity thing.” I told him I thought he was wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of what I’ve done in my life if I had low self esteem/no identity. He said sometimes he throws things out at me to see if I will prove him wrong and stand up to him. To get that “strong” person inside me to come out that’s hiding behind the depression. Tricky eh? Well, it worked. It pissed me off.

I’m sitting in bed/actually pondering going out back to sit. It’s not a gorgeous day but not horrible either.

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

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I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

People with Bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression are not openly accepted in society.


This was an article I wrote for Helium.com.                                                                                                                                                                                How many of you are taking any SSRI’s – antidepressants? Raise your hands. How many of you are taking Clonazepam?  or any anti-anxiety medication?  Raise your hands. How many of you are taking anti-convulsant  medication or anti-psychotic medication? I doubt very many hands if any would rise. However, in a therapy setting quite a few hands would rise because no one would have consequences to fear.

In our society, people are not educated on bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. There is a stigma. So, individuals who have these conditions are afraid of being “found out” by “normal” people. They are scared of people might look at them differently. Or once “found out” others may fear and avoid them. I have experienced this first hand. I am open about my problems with anxiety and depression. I don’t tell every one that I meet about my problems. However, I write about it. I fear that the neighbor’s daughter will not be allowed to come over to play with my daughter if they read about my issues. I don’t have a job outside the house, I can imagine office gossip. And fear of bosses finding out about conditions etc..

Additionally, this fear of not being accepted by society is a self fulfilling prophecy. The less people admit to having mental disease, the more ignorant society will remain about mental disease. A person with heart disease is not alienated by their peers.They are given sympathy even if they have smoked all their life and contributed to their own suffering. Peoples  sympathies go out to people suffering with heart disease and having to have surgeries etc..But, mental diseases are viewed in a different light. Some think mental diseases like anxiety or depression is an issue that a person should be able to get over without help. Or the people with these disease are to be feared.http://www.helium.com/users/495477 Go to this link to finish th rest of article.

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