I have changed pdocs and therapists. These are specialists in the field of mood disorders. So, far so good. I see therapist twice a week. I can get out of bed to go see him. I know I need to work on some spiritual healing too.

Oh, I want the strength to ignore this black cloud in my brain and move on with my life. Why have I become so weak?

His version of The last Supper-He Said lamb Not Ham-I can appreciate the humor. He placed his animals in the painting.

It was very difficult to be raised in a home in the 70′s where God was looked at like a dirty word. It didn’t help my “fitting” in with my peers at all. And, kept me ignorant of an important subject.

But, I remember in high school-the private school that saved my life-my science teacher told me that she knew I had God in my heart. Hearing that stayed with me and made me feel very good.

He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

Both my father and my brother are gifted artists. But, they have worked very hard at their craft. They would never go to therapy. I know my dad thinks it’s a bunch of bull shit. I’m a talker. I guess that’s why I don’t need to express my feelings by painting. I like therapy. But, it costs so damn much. So, maybe more posts will do me some good. And, I will eventually go to therapy once every 2 weeks. There was a time when I was told I didn’t need to come-I was the hypo-manic patient they failed to recognize. Years later  EVIL depression paid me a long visit. Back to therapy and pdoc.

I need to change the lil title up top. My new pdoc confirmed my suspicions-I have BP II. My depression lasts too long, so no big surprise. No cyclothymia anymore. No hypomania anymore-miss it!

Now, random-

Damn, I’ve had 3 pap smears in the last 9 months and they all have shown precancerous cells. I’m so lucky. Not only is my brain unique but my reproductive organs are unique . Yep, got me 2 vaginas and 2 cervix !  Both aren’t displaying happy cells. I’ve had several biopsies/they have shown non-cancerous dysplasia. I have to go back in 3 months for 2 more pap smears. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb. When will the dysplasia turn into cancer? But, the good news is I’ve got it early. I have to keep up with the pap tests.

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• Cervical Dysplasia and HPV (gynecological-health.suite101.com)

The good in all this isn’t just my efforts to “save the toads”. I’m out of bed! Not only out of bed, but doing normal mom things. Laundry, taking oldest daughter to get root canal and talking to oldest daughter that if she gets a facial piercing she’ll be grounded for life. I’ve loosened up on her ears.

It’s no med. that has helped with the depression. I’m on the same stuff. All I have added is OM3 fish oil. Has anyone heard of this brand? I, also, have been eating healthier. Not much sugar/trying to go organic. And, finally, sticking to a boring bed time-in bed by 9pm-10pm the latest. Yes, even on the weekends. My therapist had been urging me to do this/I have read that sleep is very important for BP’s. Now, on some nights I don’t sleep as well as others. I wake up too early or I wake in the middle of the night. I just pray that I go back to sleep/try not to get worked up about it. If I get bent out of shape, I really will be awake.

But this hurricane crap is putting a dent in my catching some sun. It’s been about 5 days of cloudy rainy days. It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’m so afraid that depression is going to come back-I’m one of those people that hates winter/I live outside of Houston, Texas. We have no winter compared to most states! I need my sun. Not that I want a tan. NO-too vain-causes wrinkles. But, I need to swim and soak up some vitamin D.

UGH! It’s raining right now! I need an indoor sun room. dayroom. Like on True Blood-looks all sunny, but fake.

But, as far as the session goes, I like therapy/I like my therapist. He’s great. Well, not all the time. Or it wouldn’t be therapy. He’s pissed me of in the past. But, I just told him about it/we worked it out. Very cool. He’s older than I am-but no fossil-he’s a good looking man. In the beginning , his looks/he’s buff, concerned me. I thought, ” shit, am I going to be attracted to this man?” Major obstacle! I mean less than 1/3 of people get anything out of therapy/if I want to have sex with my therapist-Forget It. I’d have to find another doc..

Ended up, my feelings for him are like the wise cousin I never had-not old enough to be my father. We have therapeutic chemistry. He and I have talked about that-our chemistry. But, thank God no sexual chemistry.

I’m looking forward to the session/I need to be on time! “I will be on time” , ” I will be on time.”

Damn it! “I will be on time!” I have trouble with time management. Can you tell?

But, I won’t get started about how anal I was before meds.. I was ALWAYS EARLY. Why is “normal” so hard to find? Or be?

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

I’ve also been searching for sites that would be helpful to people with various mental illnesses. I’ll be adding them to my link list.

My mood is  better since the doctor reduced the Topomax. I discussed with her about the Adderall I had and am still on and it’s effects they have found on the brain long term. She agreed with me and said that’s why I must one day get off the 15mg that I’m still taking, but she said the time to deal with it isn’t now. It would be cruel to put me through it.

So, the 7 years I was on 30 or so mg-I may have been on more-it was damaging my brain worse than a cocaine addict’s. Lovely. No wonder I look at that bottle of Adderall and wish I could take more. But, I have not the addictive personality or I would have no restraint.

They’ve done studies and Adderall changes brain structure faster than cocaine. Cocaine addicts relapse 93%-99% of the time. They have problems with feeling joy because of cocaines destructiveness. Then Adderall is found to do the same thing only faster. Go docs! I know that’s why I feel flat. I don’t necessarily feel depressed. I just don’t feel joy. It’s hard for me to feel it . I just pray to God that my brain over time can heal itself in that area.