Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010