Damn…I’m Still Depressed! But, Lithium Is Good.

I had to take a break from writing. Feeling suicidal didn’t seem to help my writing. Well, thanks to 300 mg of Lithium, I don’t feel suicidal anymore. That’s good news. But, getting my ass out of bed hasn’t really improved.

I have changed pdocs and therapists. These are specialists in the field of mood disorders. So, far so good. I see therapist twice a week. I can get out of bed to go see him. I know I need to work on some spiritual healing too.

Oh, I want the strength to ignore this black cloud in my brain and move on with my life. Why have I become so weak?

 

Painting In Post Below-My Dad’s Athiest

As I stated in a former post I was raised in a household that didn’t recognize God. As  a small child, I remember my mother praying with me before bedtime. However, that stopped when we moved to Texas.

His version of The last Supper-He Said lamb Not Ham-I can appreciate the humor. He placed his animals in the painting.

It was very difficult to be raised in a home in the 70’s where God was looked at like a dirty word. It didn’t help my “fitting” in with my peers at all. And, kept me ignorant of an important subject.

But, I remember in high school-the private school that saved my life-my science teacher told me that she knew I had God in my heart. Hearing that stayed with me and made me feel very good.

I Am Having Crying Spells! Damn!

He Said Lamb Not Ham

I took 4mg of Clonazepam and it’s finally kicking in to calm my brain down. Why was I crying? F*ck if I know.  I’m scared that I’m slipping back into depression.

I’m so glad my little girl is with her dad today. She doesn’t need to witness mommy crying for no reason.

I’m sorry, but I’m too old for this crap. I know I can’t feel sorry for myself or it just makes my “symptoms” worse. I should be in bed now or my “symptoms” may get worse. But,  I’m compelled to write when I’m feelin blue. Can I help it if I began to feel bad at around my bedtime? Oh, man I’m going to hear it from my therapist next week. You know you need to be in bed your f*cking I can’t remember the name or how to spell the thing. Wait! My Circadiam cycle will get out of wack. No, that’s not the word. But I just took 4mg of Clonazepam.

The good news is I’ve stopped crying. Thank you Clonazepam. Always thank the meds that work for you. It’s proper medication etiquette. 😉 Well, I’m finally feeling sleepy. So, I will go to bed.

Two Posts in One Day-Is Depression Back?

No. Just wanted to share more of my father’s work. Notice the gray haired bearded man? That’s my father. He hates attention, but loved to put himself in his paintings. Like the very artists he is emulating.

Both my father and my brother are gifted artists. But, they have worked very hard at their craft. They would never go to therapy. I know my dad thinks it’s a bunch of bull shit. I’m a talker. I guess that’s why I don’t need to express my feelings by painting. I like therapy. But, it costs so damn much. So, maybe more posts will do me some good. And, I will eventually go to therapy once every 2 weeks. There was a time when I was told I didn’t need to come-I was the hypo-manic patient they failed to recognize. Years later  EVIL depression paid me a long visit. Back to therapy and pdoc.

Is It No Surprise I Have Bipolar II?????

My dad painted this on his barn ceiling when he was well. It’s beautiful. But, he’s atheist. In our home,when I was growing up,  the words church and God were treated, by my father as “bad” words. I could get away with cursing. But, speak of God? I’d be an “idiot”.

I’ve Neglected My Blog, I Feel Guilty/I Have 2 Cervix!

Image via Wikipedia

I need to change the lil title up top. My new pdoc confirmed my suspicions-I have BP II. My depression lasts too long, so no big surprise. No cyclothymia anymore. No hypomania anymore-miss it!

Now, random-

Damn, I’ve had 3 pap smears in the last 9 months and they all have shown precancerous cells. I’m so lucky. Not only is my brain unique but my reproductive organs are unique . Yep, got me 2 vaginas and 2 cervix !  Both aren’t displaying happy cells. I’ve had several biopsies/they have shown non-cancerous dysplasia. I have to go back in 3 months for 2 more pap smears. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb. When will the dysplasia turn into cancer? But, the good news is I’ve got it early. I have to keep up with the pap tests.

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• Cervical Dysplasia and HPV (gynecological-health.suite101.com)

I Started My Day In My Backyard In My Underwear…

Okay, I don’t want to gross anyone out. But, it’s for the sake of conservation. Lil baby toads fall into our pool/if I don’t get out there asap in the am, they end up all puffy and stiff. Not the way I want to start my day.

The good in all this isn’t just my efforts to “save the toads”. I’m out of bed! Not only out of bed, but doing normal mom things. Laundry, taking oldest daughter to get root canal and talking to oldest daughter that if she gets a facial piercing she’ll be grounded for life. I’ve loosened up on her ears.

It’s no med. that has helped with the depression. I’m on the same stuff. All I have added is OM3 fish oil. Has anyone heard of this brand? I, also, have been eating healthier. Not much sugar/trying to go organic. And, finally, sticking to a boring bed time-in bed by 9pm-10pm the latest. Yes, even on the weekends. My therapist had been urging me to do this/I have read that sleep is very important for BP’s. Now, on some nights I don’t sleep as well as others. I wake up too early or I wake in the middle of the night. I just pray that I go back to sleep/try not to get worked up about it. If I get bent out of shape, I really will be awake.

But this hurricane crap is putting a dent in my catching some sun. It’s been about 5 days of cloudy rainy days. It’s seriously getting on my nerves. I’m so afraid that depression is going to come back-I’m one of those people that hates winter/I live outside of Houston, Texas. We have no winter compared to most states! I need my sun. Not that I want a tan. NO-too vain-causes wrinkles. But, I need to swim and soak up some vitamin D.

UGH! It’s raining right now! I need an indoor sun room. dayroom. Like on True Blood-looks all sunny, but fake.

Therapy Today-He’s a He/Buff!

I see my therapist today. No anxiety about it-now. But, he has 2 offices. I have to drive to the farther office. So, usually that makes me anxious. A lot of traffic and road rage(others). I’ll have to take extra clonazepam. In the past, I’ve done it-my tolerance to the drug is so high-been on it for years. And my tolerance is low for extra anxiety.

But, as far as the session goes, I like therapy/I like my therapist. He’s great. Well, not all the time. Or it wouldn’t be therapy. He’s pissed me of in the past. But, I just told him about it/we worked it out. Very cool. He’s older than I am-but no fossil-he’s a good looking man. In the beginning , his looks/he’s buff, concerned me. I thought, ” shit, am I going to be attracted to this man?” Major obstacle! I mean less than 1/3 of people get anything out of therapy/if I want to have sex with my therapist-Forget It. I’d have to find another doc..

Ended up, my feelings for him are like the wise cousin I never had-not old enough to be my father. We have therapeutic chemistry. He and I have talked about that-our chemistry. But, thank God no sexual chemistry.

I’m looking forward to the session/I need to be on time! “I will be on time” , ” I will be on time.”

Damn it! “I will be on time!” I have trouble with time management. Can you tell?

But, I won’t get started about how anal I was before meds.. I was ALWAYS EARLY. Why is “normal” so hard to find? Or be?

My Brain=Canary in the Coal Mine

I Couldn’t take the depression any longer!  Here’s a picture( I’m between the dogs ) of my typical day of depression.

I looked up side effects of topamax-depression/lethargy. I told my husband I’m not taking it/asked him to “watch” me. My docs have me so afraid of my hypomania. I was hypomanic for years/it caused no problems. Okay, as long as I’m married. It keeps me grounded. My husband actually fell in love with my hypomanic side-he thought I was charming.

To get back to the point, after 24hrs, he/I could tell a difference in my attitude. Now, I’m out of bed. I’m actually doing “normal” things. It’s now been a week/I still feel good. A little anxious. But, I’ll take that over depression any day. I can listen to my deep breathing cd etc.. And help the anxiety.

Writing So Not Posting Plus Mood Still Flat-Adderall Damages Brain

I’ve been busy writing for a few contests I plan to enter in the fall.  So, I’ve not had time to post.

I’ve also been searching for sites that would be helpful to people with various mental illnesses. I’ll be adding them to my link list.

My mood is  better since the doctor reduced the Topomax. I discussed with her about the Adderall I had and am still on and it’s effects they have found on the brain long term. She agreed with me and said that’s why I must one day get off the 15mg that I’m still taking, but she said the time to deal with it isn’t now. It would be cruel to put me through it.

So, the 7 years I was on 30 or so mg-I may have been on more-it was damaging my brain worse than a cocaine addict’s. Lovely. No wonder I look at that bottle of Adderall and wish I could take more. But, I have not the addictive personality or I would have no restraint.

They’ve done studies and Adderall changes brain structure faster than cocaine. Cocaine addicts relapse 93%-99% of the time. They have problems with feeling joy because of cocaines destructiveness. Then Adderall is found to do the same thing only faster. Go docs! I know that’s why I feel flat. I don’t necessarily feel depressed. I just don’t feel joy. It’s hard for me to feel it . I just pray to God that my brain over time can heal itself in that area.

Topamax 50mg Doing Well

I can’t say I’m jumpin for joy. But, I’m up out of bed. My husband and I  have plans to do something today. I feel like I will  follow through and do them. In the past, I’ve lost it and bailed in the end.

I think the docs put too much emphasis on my hypo-mania. I was hardly that grouchy. I was just happy/woke up with a smile on my face in the mornings. Makes me tempted to see how it goes with the topamax. And then if I’m fine at 50 cut it to 25. I was hypo-manic for 10 years before any depression. Who am I fooling ? I’m too chicken shit. Or am I?

Emailed Therapist/Mood is Okay

I emailed my therapist about the ,” I have no identity thing.” I told him I thought he was wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of what I’ve done in my life if I had low self esteem/no identity. He said sometimes he throws things out at me to see if I will prove him wrong and stand up to him. To get that “strong” person inside me to come out that’s hiding behind the depression. Tricky eh? Well, it worked. It pissed me off.

I’m sitting in bed/actually pondering going out back to sit. It’s not a gorgeous day but not horrible either.

3 Months of Livin in the Bed Depression is Too Much!!!!!!!!

I saw my psychiatrist and she’s reducing my topomax. I’m to call her in 5 days to let her know how I’m doing. Make sure I’m not manic out of my mind. But, really after all this depression I’d take some mania. 3 months of no joy. Except when I’m with my girls.

I’m also going to see both my psych/therapist every 2 weeks. Glad we have savings. These people don’t take insurance. Expensive way to get me out of the house and all perty.

It’s either this or I go to the “spa”. It’s supposedly a very nice facility. Voluntary only. The best of the best doctors. But, I’d rather not have to do that right now.

I can’t believe  just 3 years ago I was so happy.  Then Dr. Alain Katic had to help, me, his patient have a break down-thus ending her hypo-mania/beginning her descent into depression. Katic I hope you rot in hell. I I take it back.

Yep, confusing cyclothymia…bed ridden depression for 3 months? Sounds like  BP II? Am I right or  wrong? It doesn’t matter that much.

Well, it’s past my bedtime/I’m suppose to stick to a routine. Just couldn’t sleep.

People with Bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression are not openly accepted in society.

This was an article I wrote for Helium.com.                                                                                                                                                                                How many of you are taking any SSRI’s – antidepressants? Raise your hands. How many of you are taking Clonazepam?  or any anti-anxiety medication?  Raise your hands. How many of you are taking anti-convulsant  medication or anti-psychotic medication? I doubt very many hands if any would rise. However, in a therapy setting quite a few hands would rise because no one would have consequences to fear.

In our society, people are not educated on bipolar disorder, anxiety and depression. There is a stigma. So, individuals who have these conditions are afraid of being “found out” by “normal” people. They are scared of people might look at them differently. Or once “found out” others may fear and avoid them. I have experienced this first hand. I am open about my problems with anxiety and depression. I don’t tell every one that I meet about my problems. However, I write about it. I fear that the neighbor’s daughter will not be allowed to come over to play with my daughter if they read about my issues. I don’t have a job outside the house, I can imagine office gossip. And fear of bosses finding out about conditions etc..

Additionally, this fear of not being accepted by society is a self fulfilling prophecy. The less people admit to having mental disease, the more ignorant society will remain about mental disease. A person with heart disease is not alienated by their peers.They are given sympathy even if they have smoked all their life and contributed to their own suffering. Peoples  sympathies go out to people suffering with heart disease and having to have surgeries etc..But, mental diseases are viewed in a different light. Some think mental diseases like anxiety or depression is an issue that a person should be able to get over without help. Or the people with these disease are to be feared.http://www.helium.com/users/495477 Go to this link to finish th rest of article.

My Mood is Better Today. But, I Have a Headache Thanks to-

therapist.  I thought more about it. He’s wrong. I couldn’t have done 1/4 of the things I’ve done in my life if I had no identity. Identity is tied to self esteem. I haven’t had the highest of self esteem all my life . But, by the time I was in my late 20’s I was doing pretty good with what had developed. Damn I was in law school. Not every one has the guts to do that or the ability. Already had a college degree. Maybe he was trying to get me pissed cause he knows when I get mad I tend to “snap” out of my depression. Go figure…I don’t know. But, I’m emailing him and thanking him for the headache.We have that kind of relationship.

I’m a 16 Year Old in a 45 Year Old’s Body!

Yep!  That’s what my therapist left me with yesterday. I was told my identity was that of a 16-year-old girls. I have no true understanding of my strengths and weaknesses.  He could see my strengths/my talents…but he didn’t believe I ever had  the time to discover them.

This saddened me at first. Then it made me mad. I thought he was wrong. Then I realized that if it was pissing me off so much there must be some truth to it or it would bother me that much.

So, how in the hell am I suppose to find my identity at 45? How does that effect my depression?-further isolation? I had no identity for years and it  never bothered me before-my brain is confused enough-does it need more? I know I’m a horrible speller. There’s one weakness. How many do I need to come up with to have an identity? How many talents? 🙂

PS-smiley face is fake. I’m not feeling all chipper today. I didn’t need to hear that yesterday from my therapist. That’s why I like to see Psychiatrist first then therapist-at least i see her tomorrow.

Don’t Pity Me

Don’t Pity Me

Who is this?

I thought people couldn’t change unless they wanted to.

Always dressed up and perfect

had changed.  Into

a non caring self loathing

zombie.

Eating, sleeping, showering-

why?

Please don’t get me wrong.

This is no pity party I’m trying to throw.

It’s my polluted thoughts out loud.

I don’t want your pity.

I want answers.

How could I have become a zombie?

Forced smile on my face when my sweet

seven year old comes home.

Did I even comb my hair

today?

Eat?

I don’t care.

My heart is totally empty

except

for the small locket held so tight

of my girls that makes me feel.

Remember no pity.

Just answers I want.

How did this darkness

suddenly steal all my light?

Despair, where were you born?

You surround me .

Like death, but I live.

Remember these are my thoughts.

Not cries for pity.

I’m told this will pass.

But, despair is like none I’ve felt.

A thousand lovers breaking my heart.

The only rays that come from that tiny

but powerful locket held so tight in my heart

of my girls.

The loves shines a small but powerful force of light through

my heart. I must not give up .  Or I will die.

What would they do? I can’t. I won’t let it happen.

I will get help and fight this despair.

I will get help.

I will wage a war.

Although one pathetic soldier I admit I am

no war is fought alone.

I will enlist the best soldiers of expertise.

Then we will devise a strategy.

by Trish Austin copyright 2010

Read My Poetry/Short Story

One thing that does come out of my horrible depressions is some decent poetry. A talent I never knew  had- I was a horrible writer in college. Creative writing wasn’t my best subject. Not even a decent subject of mine.

Mood Now Depressed

It was clear the Effexor was too much for my body to handle. But, I can feel my mood slipping. I’m crying  off and on. Pessimistic about things. I am  too old for this crap-45. I don’t know how I got through life so well. T,hen crash my brain went to hell. I went to college. I went to law school. Had kids. Been through two marriages. And now in the last few years my mind decides to go totally depressive. I don’t get it. I once had so much hope and positivity in my spirit. For the majority of my life  I was happier than sad. Medication free. It’s complicated. I was once so strong. Now I feel like a limp dishrag.

My Psychiatrist Thought I was GAD/I was Bipolar III

I read madmatters, the post dealing with gps, it made me think about my own experience with medical insanity. And, I mean insanity. I went to a Psychiatrist  for a number of years – Dr. Alain Katic. To make a very long story short. I told him about the depression that ran in my family. He witnessed my behavior through a divorce. I was like a cheerleader. But, our sessions never ran over 20 25 minutes. Then one day I was late to an appt.. and I can’t deny I hadn’t missed appointments in the past. But, that started only after they move their office 45 minutes away from my home. I was a divorced mom of a 12  and 2-year-old.

Back to me running late. I called hes office and told them I was running late. There was a wreck and extra traffic. I got to the office and the moment I entered I heard Dr. Katic had just left. They refuse to get him on the phone for me. It was only 4:20. On my way out I grabbed all the business cards I could find in the lobby. One had a phone number…poor guy. He was going to have to hear from me many times until Katic called me. So, I called the poor guy with the phone number and he gave me B.S.-” Sure I’ll have Dr. Katic call you …” I called the guy numerous times. I filled up his voice mail. I told him I would not stop until he got my Dr. to call me. After 20 minutes, Katic called. Boy, did he call. He didn’t even know who he was talking too. He kept calling me mam. And yelling the whole time. Who was the patient in this scenario? He ended up hanging up on me.

I reported him to the Medical Board. He hasn’t found out that he and my former therapist misdiagnosed me. But, that’s on my to do list. I didn’t pay these people to make my life worse. I don’t even want to think of the thousands I paid Katic. Then worst thing is I trusted him. Then he goes ballistic and doesn’t even know my name.